I am about to do something that I never thought I'd do. I am about to let you, a complete stranger, in on my personal pain. I don't know what else to do about it. I'm helpless to win him back. You can love someone with everything you've got, but you can't make him love you back. I guess I know how God feels a little bit now. It sucks to be God. I can't imagine loving 100 people with everything I've got and getting nothing in return, how could I imagine loving every living creature?
We started off strong. While he works a normal schedule, mine is a 5-week rotating schedule that gives me a week off every five weeks. I work two week-ends and get three off. It's a sweet deal. The trouble is, for the first year, the training is pretty intense and I was nearly always stressed out and grumpy. When your job depends on a test grade, you stress. Then immediately after, it was an intense work period where we worked four nights and got one night off. I still zombie-drove (yes, it was very dangerous and I sincerely apologize to all the drivers around me) to see him since my days off usually landed on a week-day, but I was so exhausted that I was a grumpy gills for the majority of the 30 hours I actually got to see him. Shortly after, he tried to apply for a position in my town to close the gap but it didn't work out. That's about when he lost all hope and just gave up.
When I look back on it, being so grumpy all the time probably had a lot to do with it. I'm back in chill mode now, but it doesn't matter because the damage has already been done. He has a lot of things going on as well that probably doesn't help. Finally, to be realistic, maybe he finally realized that I'm not the right woman for him and that he needs to cut the cord. Being him, he'll find the nicest, most plausible reason possible (distance) to put me down.
At the same time, I don't feel like it's over. I feel like there are a million things I could do and one of them will work. I know that in a past relationship, one day, it just stopped. I stopped caring. It was like a switch. I heard a sad song and it was just a song. When that happens, I'll know that it's over. I'll never romantically love him again and from my end, we can be just friends because if I see him with another girl, I won't think, that's supposed to be me in his arms.
- Step 1. Breathe. I know living without your heart is difficult, but try not to die or else you'll never be with the person you're going to be with.
- Step 2. Make dates with every friend you've got for every night of the week. Keep busy. If you give yourself too much time alone, you're going to cry every second you're conscious. Good friends will help you cope.
- Step 3. Invite the man you're still in love with. If you two said you would be "friends", hanging out with some mutual friends may be alright.
- Step 4. See if he wants to hang out with you alone so you can tie up these loose ends. Some closure is a good thing. If he's over you, you'll know that holding on is not an option and the healing process can begin. If he's not, you haven't really moved at all, have you? What do you have to lose?
- Step 5. I don't know yet. I'll tell you when I get past Step 4.
Have you been through this? Would you share your story? I don't suppose everyone's got a happy ending, and I'd truly appreciate all the hope I can get right now, but maybe if you don't have a happy ending, you could share how you dealt with falling to pieces like I am right now.
I sincerely thank you.
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